So, like I promised, here is my post about my birthday!
I arrived at Jeffs at 11 o'clock and his friend Justin let me in because Jeff was asleep on the couch. I went into his room and read and listened to my iPod while the two of them slept, and then at 1 I went to wake Jeff up. He didn't wanna get up, rather he pulled me down onto the couch and we cuddled...for about an hour or so. It was nice just to lay there beside him, in his arms after we'd been away from each other for so long. He ended up being late for work, but I really didn't care like I normally would. I liked just being in his arms.
That night he got home from work and we just kinda hung out and watched movies with his buddy Justin (who was staying with him for a few days). We went to bed at about 4am or so. The next day, we slept till about 2pm, and then we just lay there, cuddling and relaxing in each others arms for about 2 hours. It was one of te best moments ever. It was so nice just to be there with him, cuddled in his arms, feeling safe, secure and loved. At 4pm, we got up, got dressed and headed off to dinner.
We went to the Mandrine for dinner, and I had 3 plates of food, 1 plate of fruit and a plate of dessert. Jeff had about 3 or 4 plates of food, 2 bowls of soup, plate of fruit...and he tried Sushi. Highlight of dinner was him and sushi. He wanted to do something really memorable for my birthday and it will honestly be something I won't forget.
After dinner we went to the mall and to build a bear and we build a bear together...the most AMAZING bear ever...VJ Potter! It's a black teddy wearing a wizards outfit, Harry Potter glasses, and a heart on his chest that says 'I Love You'. VJ is my most favourite bear, I hug him at night when I miss Jeff.
Afterwards, we went to the LCBO and got some Vodka and bought some juice...I wanted to get drunk...and of course Jeff wanted me to lol. Unfortenatly, I've come to the conclusion that I can't drink anymore. One drink and I felt sick...of course Jeff and Justin made me take a shot as well...but I honestly just couldn;t drink. I felt kinda bad, but what can you do.
Overall, I must say it was one of the most amazing birthdays I ever had. I loved spending the day with the man I loved, Just me and him, out to dinner, building a bear together, and drinking. I loved it, I love him! Thank you Jeff for making it so special <3
Until later,
Nessie
Friday, August 27, 2010
Done
So, I've finally, after many thoughts, have come to the conclusions that Jess and I are pretty much done as friends. Too much has happened between us, too much has been said, and too much tension and strain in our relationship to make things work. Am I bothered by it? Do I feel heartbroken? Not really, to be honest. I think we both saw it coming for a while now, it was just a matter of who was going to state it first.
Things changed between us. She says I've changed; personally I don't see it. I think she's changed...she just isn't the same person I became best friends with. She's too worried about her looks, shes turned into a little party girl, she's not as fun anymore to be around... I just can't really stand to be around her. It sounds bad, but half the time her FB status's annoy me, things she says, things she does...I can't help it.
I have to admit, jeff is happy though, that I've decided to be done of her. He doesn't like her, and that was one of the main issues. I felt as if anything I said or did concerning Jeff, anytime I'd mention him or something, that she'd get annoyed or frustrated. A guy shouldn't come between friends, but if you let it, things like this happen. I'm not gonna be forced to choose between the two of them, and I think that's kinda what she was asking me to do, without actually using the words. It's like she expected me to say 'sorry babe but my friend doesnt like you so this isnt gonna work' pretty much like she wanted me to either dump him or just forget about him, just so she'd be happy.
I've never been happier with Jeff, he makes me feel safe, loved and, overall, special. If I wasnt with him, I'd be another lonely girl pretending to be happy. I felt as if she was asking me to give up my happiness to make her hapy. Whether or not this was her intentions, I dont know, but thats just how I felt and I wasnt going to do that.
I am hoping that someday, we can work things out and be what we used to be, but I have a feeling it may never come to be. Does this disappoint me? Only a little. Who knows what will happen in a few years. Maybe Jeff and I will break up and that will bring Jess and I together...maybe she and Richard will break up and she may turn to me and Tisha for comfort...anything can happen. But for now, I'll just have to wait and see.
Until then, here's something I've been working on:
I'm letting go
Moving on
trying to forget everything there was between us
Dry the tears
Force a smile
live my life the way its meant to be
Thats it for now,
Nessie <3
Things changed between us. She says I've changed; personally I don't see it. I think she's changed...she just isn't the same person I became best friends with. She's too worried about her looks, shes turned into a little party girl, she's not as fun anymore to be around... I just can't really stand to be around her. It sounds bad, but half the time her FB status's annoy me, things she says, things she does...I can't help it.
I have to admit, jeff is happy though, that I've decided to be done of her. He doesn't like her, and that was one of the main issues. I felt as if anything I said or did concerning Jeff, anytime I'd mention him or something, that she'd get annoyed or frustrated. A guy shouldn't come between friends, but if you let it, things like this happen. I'm not gonna be forced to choose between the two of them, and I think that's kinda what she was asking me to do, without actually using the words. It's like she expected me to say 'sorry babe but my friend doesnt like you so this isnt gonna work' pretty much like she wanted me to either dump him or just forget about him, just so she'd be happy.
I've never been happier with Jeff, he makes me feel safe, loved and, overall, special. If I wasnt with him, I'd be another lonely girl pretending to be happy. I felt as if she was asking me to give up my happiness to make her hapy. Whether or not this was her intentions, I dont know, but thats just how I felt and I wasnt going to do that.
I am hoping that someday, we can work things out and be what we used to be, but I have a feeling it may never come to be. Does this disappoint me? Only a little. Who knows what will happen in a few years. Maybe Jeff and I will break up and that will bring Jess and I together...maybe she and Richard will break up and she may turn to me and Tisha for comfort...anything can happen. But for now, I'll just have to wait and see.
Until then, here's something I've been working on:
I'm letting go
Moving on
trying to forget everything there was between us
Dry the tears
Force a smile
live my life the way its meant to be
Thats it for now,
Nessie <3
Friday, August 13, 2010
Alone
Have you ever felt so alone because people who you thought were your friends only talk to you when they have a question, and the one person you want to be with is miles away? Do you know how it feels to sit there and cry because all you want is a big comforting hug? I was feeling like this last night...
All I wanted was Jeff, all I needed was a hug from Jeff. I couldn't stop thinking about him, but his phone was charging and I couldn't talk to him, and all I wanted was to be with him. I cried quiet a bit because it got me thinking of other things, things that upset me, things that I hoped, and things I was worried for. This isn't ordinary love I have for him, the way I feel when we're apart, the way I am around him, and the way I can't stand the thought of losing him... this isn't just love, this is soul mates. I swear we were meant to be together.
I can't get into details, exactly, as to why I feel this, I'm on the wrong blog for that, but just because of things hes said, and wants to promise me...I know the impact I've made in his life, and the impact he's made in mine. I know we're meant for each other. Which is why I miss him dearly :(
I don't know, I feel as if I just...I feel like my friends arent my friends anymore. Jess barely ever talks to me, and Tisha seems only to talk to me when she has a question. They don't tell me anything anymore, and I think Tisha will be hanging with Jess on our birthday.
What bugs me is the fact that I had asked Tisha about 2 months or so ago about hanging with me, but that was when she and Jess were still fighting, everythings changed since they reunited. And Jessica, I doubt she'll care enough to even come down. And Jess will be busy with her boyfriend, and his dumbass friends who I cant stand anymore...I'll just have Jeff; which is no big deal, all I really want is to spend a nice day with my loving boyfriend, just me and him. I dont care what we do, as long as I do it with him.
I think we're going to dinner at the Mandrine and he said something about building a bear together, as long as he gets to name it. He said the name would be 'Vj', which, in all honesty, just sounds right :)
But whatever we do, I'll be happy. He seems concerned he only has 150 bucks, but i dont care, moneys not an issue. I even told him, we could go take Snoop for a walk and I'd be happy.
I'll update after my birthday :)
Nessie <3
All I wanted was Jeff, all I needed was a hug from Jeff. I couldn't stop thinking about him, but his phone was charging and I couldn't talk to him, and all I wanted was to be with him. I cried quiet a bit because it got me thinking of other things, things that upset me, things that I hoped, and things I was worried for. This isn't ordinary love I have for him, the way I feel when we're apart, the way I am around him, and the way I can't stand the thought of losing him... this isn't just love, this is soul mates. I swear we were meant to be together.
I can't get into details, exactly, as to why I feel this, I'm on the wrong blog for that, but just because of things hes said, and wants to promise me...I know the impact I've made in his life, and the impact he's made in mine. I know we're meant for each other. Which is why I miss him dearly :(
I don't know, I feel as if I just...I feel like my friends arent my friends anymore. Jess barely ever talks to me, and Tisha seems only to talk to me when she has a question. They don't tell me anything anymore, and I think Tisha will be hanging with Jess on our birthday.
What bugs me is the fact that I had asked Tisha about 2 months or so ago about hanging with me, but that was when she and Jess were still fighting, everythings changed since they reunited. And Jessica, I doubt she'll care enough to even come down. And Jess will be busy with her boyfriend, and his dumbass friends who I cant stand anymore...I'll just have Jeff; which is no big deal, all I really want is to spend a nice day with my loving boyfriend, just me and him. I dont care what we do, as long as I do it with him.
I think we're going to dinner at the Mandrine and he said something about building a bear together, as long as he gets to name it. He said the name would be 'Vj', which, in all honesty, just sounds right :)
But whatever we do, I'll be happy. He seems concerned he only has 150 bucks, but i dont care, moneys not an issue. I even told him, we could go take Snoop for a walk and I'd be happy.
I'll update after my birthday :)
Nessie <3
Sunday, August 8, 2010
New song...and my weekend :)
So, I've started a new song, or poem, or whatever you wanna declare it. I started this one because I just feel as if I'm never informed of anyting with my friends anymore, and that we just aren't close. I feel as if since Jess and Tisha have become BFF's again, I'm left alone in the dark.
Everyday I feel us drifting farter and farther away
I try to hold on to you and pretend that its ok
my attempts are ruthless, I know its no good
we just arent meant to be together
I think back on all the good times we had
and how we made through the good and the bad
but no matter what happens, i always cry
I feel as if this is our final goodbye
I thought we'd be friends forever
that the love we had would never end
but forever is impossible if there is no end
I guess I should let you go
You never say anything anymore
I'm left alone in the dark
you were the moon that shone when the night turned black
And I feel as if theres no way back
So that's what I have so far, its sorta depressing lol. Anyways, onto the good stuff!
My time wit Jeff was actually really well. We had a very impowering Heart-to-Heart conversation Wednesday Morning when I got there, because of some things that had happened and I was upset about. I think he's really going to try something this time, I think he's willing to do it for me. I dont wanna hope to hard and get my hopes up, but I am trying to be optimistic.
Anywho, the rest of it was great... this may be VERY personal but I onestly can't even count how many times we had sex in the 5 days I was there...not to mention last Saturday and Sunday when my sister dropped me off....but anyways, thats not for this blog...lol
Saturday was a really good day. We had an early start, having to get up at 10am and such, but we made it to his Aunts house by 12:30. I helped decorate and set up, count and cut numbers for the raffle draw...and met like a shit load of his family. And he has a BIG family. But it seemed as if they liked me, in which I am very happy about. I even met his biological mother, who seems like a very kind woman.
Anywho, his family are big partiers, but in a very good and fun way. It went to a GREAT cause, his mothers wedding lol, so people spending money was no big deal. I only had 2 drinks, and I was sober, but hey, I enjoyed myself.
There was one moment, however, that kinda upset me, but it was only a slight moment and everything was fine again. I wasn't mad, so I didn't lie to Jeff, it bothered me, but he kinda did have a point...
Anywho, thats all I have for today, I had fun, met some great people, and cant ait for him Moms wedding :)
Till later,
Nessie
Everyday I feel us drifting farter and farther away
I try to hold on to you and pretend that its ok
my attempts are ruthless, I know its no good
we just arent meant to be together
I think back on all the good times we had
and how we made through the good and the bad
but no matter what happens, i always cry
I feel as if this is our final goodbye
I thought we'd be friends forever
that the love we had would never end
but forever is impossible if there is no end
I guess I should let you go
You never say anything anymore
I'm left alone in the dark
you were the moon that shone when the night turned black
And I feel as if theres no way back
So that's what I have so far, its sorta depressing lol. Anyways, onto the good stuff!
My time wit Jeff was actually really well. We had a very impowering Heart-to-Heart conversation Wednesday Morning when I got there, because of some things that had happened and I was upset about. I think he's really going to try something this time, I think he's willing to do it for me. I dont wanna hope to hard and get my hopes up, but I am trying to be optimistic.
Anywho, the rest of it was great... this may be VERY personal but I onestly can't even count how many times we had sex in the 5 days I was there...not to mention last Saturday and Sunday when my sister dropped me off....but anyways, thats not for this blog...lol
Saturday was a really good day. We had an early start, having to get up at 10am and such, but we made it to his Aunts house by 12:30. I helped decorate and set up, count and cut numbers for the raffle draw...and met like a shit load of his family. And he has a BIG family. But it seemed as if they liked me, in which I am very happy about. I even met his biological mother, who seems like a very kind woman.
Anywho, his family are big partiers, but in a very good and fun way. It went to a GREAT cause, his mothers wedding lol, so people spending money was no big deal. I only had 2 drinks, and I was sober, but hey, I enjoyed myself.
There was one moment, however, that kinda upset me, but it was only a slight moment and everything was fine again. I wasn't mad, so I didn't lie to Jeff, it bothered me, but he kinda did have a point...
Anywho, thats all I have for today, I had fun, met some great people, and cant ait for him Moms wedding :)
Till later,
Nessie
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Update...
Here's an update on the song I posted in a previous Post! It's still not finshed but heres what I got (and i would like to remind you, copyright belong to me!)
Look into my eyes
and tell me can you see
the light that shines so brightly
anf the feelins i have for you
reach into my soul
and feel my heart beating
tell me can you feel
the love i have for you
This is all new to me
but baby i want you to know
and baby i want you to see
that its all becuse of you
my heart screams your name
whenever we're apart
your always on my mind
so please don't leave me behind
your the one i choose to love
the one my heart decided on
the one the great man above
has put into my arms
So, like I said theres still work to be done, and a chorus to be added and everything, but im working on it :)
spreading the love,
Nessie <3
Look into my eyes
and tell me can you see
the light that shines so brightly
anf the feelins i have for you
reach into my soul
and feel my heart beating
tell me can you feel
the love i have for you
This is all new to me
but baby i want you to know
and baby i want you to see
that its all becuse of you
my heart screams your name
whenever we're apart
your always on my mind
so please don't leave me behind
your the one i choose to love
the one my heart decided on
the one the great man above
has put into my arms
So, like I said theres still work to be done, and a chorus to be added and everything, but im working on it :)
spreading the love,
Nessie <3
a lil bit of ranting...
I thought a blog post was long needed here, considering most of my posts go to my private blog on wordpress.com. So, I thought, since no one knows about this one, it's safe to rant!
Theres a few things I wish to rant about, but first off is Last Friday my friends had an intervention with me about how my realtionship with Jeff was going. Now, I love my friends, I really do, but honestly, it's my life. Sure, I'm happy they are concerned and all about me, but they have got to let me live my life my own way. I understand that they want to make sure everything is going alright, and that they want to make sure I'm being smart and responsible and BLAH BLAH BLAH, but honestly it is none of their business. If they want to share with me things about their relationship, fine, go ahead; but dont put your noses in my business. It kinda just pisses me off.
Of course I didnt tell them that, I listened to what they had to say and nodded or whatever, but I honestly forget half of what they even said. All I can recall is the fact that they think I'm moving too fast with him, that they don't think I've given enough thought to the chance of pregnancy, that they think I'm too wound up on the thought that we could be together forever, and that i used to be the responsible one but that they think ive trown my beliefs and morals away.
Well, whatever...I am smarter than they think. I'm not an idiot and I know what I'm doing. I know the concequences and will deal with them if anything happens. And yes, I do have a high belief that Jeff and I could be togteher forever...but thats because i KNOW what its like to be with him, and they dont. They may have seen glimpses of us together, and they've made assumptions off of that, but they don't know, and therefore can't comment on it.
Anywho, on to the next thing I have to ran about...
Some stupid fucking idiot is really pissing me off on Facebook. A guy i went to school with and is all buddy buddy with jess now because of richard is making fucking comments about me. Well, kinda...he commented on Jess status and said something like 'ok vanessa' or something like that. Now, it was on a day where she had updated her status more often than normal. Now, at first when i read it, it bothered me because obviously i knew it was about me but I didnt know what. Eventually, though, with the help of a few other posts I figured out that the reason he said that is that I update my facebook constantly and I guess he finds it annoying or whatever.
Well fuck him! if he doesn't like it, why doesn't he delete me? It wouldn't be a loss to me or anything, Its not like I even talk to him. It just pisses me off that he had to write on her wall 'oh hey there vanessa' and it just really fucking pissed me off. Honestly, grow the fuck up!
Anywho... on to my last rant
Jess! I swear if she reads something on my twitter, she updates her FB status to something...and I just KNOW its about my twitter..its not hard to put two and two together. I swear, she should just learn to keep her mouth shut sometimes! Like I'm not an idiot, clearly, and I can figure things out pretty easily. I'm fairly smart, and I hate my intelligence being underminded. I figured it out at first from the other day I was creeping some bitches FB that I knew and hate and found out that she had a baby at the age of 20, so i updated my twitter saying "why am i not suprised shed have a baby at 20. i know its not that young but still" and jess put her FB status, not 5 min after i posted that "that makes me want to laugh and be pissed off all at the same time" my theory...our talk about me being able to handle a baby if i was pregant and then me saying this...so that pissed me off.
Now today, i put up some pictures and commented about how much i love jeff and said "your everything ive ever wanted, and all ill never need" or something along those lines, and she puts on her FB "oh mannn...i just wanna....ughhhhhh" and it easily matches up because they also talked to me about how it seems as if jeff is my everything, and about being together forever, etc etc...so i can easily see how me saying that would frustrate her because im not listening to what they said to me.
well, fuck you then. Honestly, im starting not to care anymore. I love them, sure, but if theyre gonna be like that, then I dont need them. they arent friends if they act like that.
Anywho! rant over, cant think of anything else to say. Check back later for new info!
Theres a few things I wish to rant about, but first off is Last Friday my friends had an intervention with me about how my realtionship with Jeff was going. Now, I love my friends, I really do, but honestly, it's my life. Sure, I'm happy they are concerned and all about me, but they have got to let me live my life my own way. I understand that they want to make sure everything is going alright, and that they want to make sure I'm being smart and responsible and BLAH BLAH BLAH, but honestly it is none of their business. If they want to share with me things about their relationship, fine, go ahead; but dont put your noses in my business. It kinda just pisses me off.
Of course I didnt tell them that, I listened to what they had to say and nodded or whatever, but I honestly forget half of what they even said. All I can recall is the fact that they think I'm moving too fast with him, that they don't think I've given enough thought to the chance of pregnancy, that they think I'm too wound up on the thought that we could be together forever, and that i used to be the responsible one but that they think ive trown my beliefs and morals away.
Well, whatever...I am smarter than they think. I'm not an idiot and I know what I'm doing. I know the concequences and will deal with them if anything happens. And yes, I do have a high belief that Jeff and I could be togteher forever...but thats because i KNOW what its like to be with him, and they dont. They may have seen glimpses of us together, and they've made assumptions off of that, but they don't know, and therefore can't comment on it.
Anywho, on to the next thing I have to ran about...
Some stupid fucking idiot is really pissing me off on Facebook. A guy i went to school with and is all buddy buddy with jess now because of richard is making fucking comments about me. Well, kinda...he commented on Jess status and said something like 'ok vanessa' or something like that. Now, it was on a day where she had updated her status more often than normal. Now, at first when i read it, it bothered me because obviously i knew it was about me but I didnt know what. Eventually, though, with the help of a few other posts I figured out that the reason he said that is that I update my facebook constantly and I guess he finds it annoying or whatever.
Well fuck him! if he doesn't like it, why doesn't he delete me? It wouldn't be a loss to me or anything, Its not like I even talk to him. It just pisses me off that he had to write on her wall 'oh hey there vanessa' and it just really fucking pissed me off. Honestly, grow the fuck up!
Anywho... on to my last rant
Jess! I swear if she reads something on my twitter, she updates her FB status to something...and I just KNOW its about my twitter..its not hard to put two and two together. I swear, she should just learn to keep her mouth shut sometimes! Like I'm not an idiot, clearly, and I can figure things out pretty easily. I'm fairly smart, and I hate my intelligence being underminded. I figured it out at first from the other day I was creeping some bitches FB that I knew and hate and found out that she had a baby at the age of 20, so i updated my twitter saying "why am i not suprised shed have a baby at 20. i know its not that young but still" and jess put her FB status, not 5 min after i posted that "that makes me want to laugh and be pissed off all at the same time" my theory...our talk about me being able to handle a baby if i was pregant and then me saying this...so that pissed me off.
Now today, i put up some pictures and commented about how much i love jeff and said "your everything ive ever wanted, and all ill never need" or something along those lines, and she puts on her FB "oh mannn...i just wanna....ughhhhhh" and it easily matches up because they also talked to me about how it seems as if jeff is my everything, and about being together forever, etc etc...so i can easily see how me saying that would frustrate her because im not listening to what they said to me.
well, fuck you then. Honestly, im starting not to care anymore. I love them, sure, but if theyre gonna be like that, then I dont need them. they arent friends if they act like that.
Anywho! rant over, cant think of anything else to say. Check back later for new info!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Feeling Left Out
I am really starting to hate the fact that Tisha and Jess are now all 'buddy buddy' again. I feel as if Tisha never talks to me anymore, and that Jess just doesn't care about me anymore. I don't know what to do anymore, and I honestly just don't give a fuck. It pisses me off that it everything has had to go this way, but to be honest, with the way things are going, I wish they hadn;t changed, I wish that Tisha and Jess were still fighting...then 'd still feel as if Tisha was my best friend and not falling back into Jess's clutches.
I kinda feel bad saying it, but it's true. Seeing all this, things about Jess inviting Tisha to Rev and the beach and seeming to forget about me, it hurts. It's like Jess and I aren't even friends anymore. We never speak, we don;t hang out anymore, and it seems as if she just doesn't care.
I know Tisha still likes me, I know we are still friends, but I honestly can't help but feel as if we're gonna start drifting apart, falling away from each other...and that she's gonna fall into Jess's clutches again and get hurt. I've never hurt Tisha, I've never caused her pain... and I'm worried Jess is only going to hurt her.
I just don't get why I wasn't invitied... Jess sent out a massive invite to a shit load of people for Rev...but I wasn't included. She invitied Tisha to the Beach, but never thought to ask me. I wouldn't have been able to go, I'm working, but it's not as if she knew that. I hadn't told anyone besides Jeff and my parents which days I was working... I just don't understand why. Aren't we still supposed to be friends? I just don't get why she doesn't seem to care, and why it seems as if we definatly aren't friends anymore.
I'm not going to bother asking her anymore, i'm not gonna bother saying anything to her... because the answers always the same, and I'm tired of hearing it.
I kinda feel bad saying it, but it's true. Seeing all this, things about Jess inviting Tisha to Rev and the beach and seeming to forget about me, it hurts. It's like Jess and I aren't even friends anymore. We never speak, we don;t hang out anymore, and it seems as if she just doesn't care.
I know Tisha still likes me, I know we are still friends, but I honestly can't help but feel as if we're gonna start drifting apart, falling away from each other...and that she's gonna fall into Jess's clutches again and get hurt. I've never hurt Tisha, I've never caused her pain... and I'm worried Jess is only going to hurt her.
I just don't get why I wasn't invitied... Jess sent out a massive invite to a shit load of people for Rev...but I wasn't included. She invitied Tisha to the Beach, but never thought to ask me. I wouldn't have been able to go, I'm working, but it's not as if she knew that. I hadn't told anyone besides Jeff and my parents which days I was working... I just don't understand why. Aren't we still supposed to be friends? I just don't get why she doesn't seem to care, and why it seems as if we definatly aren't friends anymore.
I'm not going to bother asking her anymore, i'm not gonna bother saying anything to her... because the answers always the same, and I'm tired of hearing it.
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